Bridesmaids (and how I will never be a bride…)

30 Jun

I just came back from seeing Bridesmaids after being told by pretty much everyone with lady parts that I had to. I was mainly intrigued because the Daily Mail deemed it highly offensive (women being funny isn’t cool.) which is not true, it’s nowhere near as gross as Hangover 2. Double standards? Of course.

The thing is, I went into the movie thinking I was going to love it after all the controversy I read but I just never. Sure, it was funny, I giggled out loud plenty of times but, on the whole, I found the pace quite slow and my mind wandered a few times. It was a bit all or nothing. It either had me laughing uncontrollably or so bored I started guessing what date the couple next to me were on. First by the way. And she had GAME, she was playing him like Super Mario with a walkthrough guide.

The lead character met her love interest, a cop, by getting pulled over for her tail lights being out. They end up together!

Naturally I am now thinking of breaking my expensive car. This is why I will ever be a bride. Imagine explaining that to the husband to be…

“So, I, er…when we met. I’d smashed my tail lights deliberately so I would get pulled over, hopefully by a man, and we’d end up together forever. What? What do you mean you feel used? Don’t go, I can’t afford to do it again. Tail lights are expensive to fix.”

I imagine it would go down like that.

Kiks xoxo

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Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred

29 Jun

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate moving. If I had my way I wouldn’t breathe at all. So as part of my recent health kick I have purchased Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred (http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B002RNOS2Y)

If you don’t know who Jillian Michaels is, she’s THIS satanist with the totally rockin’ bod;

It’s a regime which is split into three levels. It is recommended to do each level for 10 days (ha. What a fucking laugh!) and from what I can gather from Level 1, each level is split into 3 circuits of 3 minutes strength, 2 minutes cardio and 1 minute abs. See what she’s done there? Clever woman.

I consider myself fairly fit regardless of the fact I smoke (unless you are my Mother then I have definitely quit) but oh sweet Jesus, I did one set before bed last night and woke up like a walking erection. Stiff mofos! It is now 10.30pm and it has got much worse. My back is the worst and I don’t recall really working that.

I’m skipping tonight due to extreme exhaustion but will be continuing until I can do Level 3 with ease. I will report back then, expect that in 4 years.

Kiks xoxo

I’m here! Are you here?! This is exciting!

29 Jun

I’m not saying I couldn’t go out right now and pick up some poor soul with a flirty smile and come to bed eyes, it’s not the point.

Having been treated like shit for all I can take, I am now on the unconventional quest to find a man.

Things I am going to try;

1) Speed Dating
2) Internet Dating
3) Singles/Ex party
4) Being utterly forward with men in Tescos (or other shops/public places) until it’s touch and go that I could be arrested
5) Taking up a night class
6) Acquiring a different hobby which requires socialisation

I’ve had some god awful dating experiences and quite frankly, I know they ain’t going to get much better.

I think the easiest thing for me to do is internet dating to start off with. So, for your enjoyment, I am off to shred my dignity and put myself on several websites with a profile which brags about how good I am at nothing and everything and has some very carefully taken self-posed photographs.

Feels good to be home!

Kiks xoxo